dread

[hugseverycat]

I’m not having a great time today, mental-health-wise. I am trying very hard not to fall into a spiral about a disappointment. I have two weeks of work off coming up, and one of the things I want to do was a thing I thought my relative would enjoy doing with me, because they had told me they enjoyed doing it with someone else. But when I asked, they seemed obviously reluctant.

I have no rational reason to think that this relative dislikes me or dislikes spending time with me or judges me or prefers the other person to me or thinks I’m a terrible horrible person for asking or feels pressured and manipulated by me

But I think all those things anyway

And I feel like all I’m going to do for this 2 weeks of no work is spend the formless hours hating myself and building up arguments for why hating myself is correct and the people who do not hate me are fools (or they secretly do hate me but feel obligated to hide it because they’re my family or they’ve known me for 20 years)

obviously this one social disappointment hasn’t caused ALL OF THAT

I already knew or suspected that having 2 weeks off work without any particular plans would probably not be restful at all, but would be full of bad feelings. i would have found something to feel bad about no matter what. So I guess this is the thing I get to feel bad about. First. Yay.

Comments

[peachpai]

/hugs

[hugseverycat]

thank you :)